Zoids Assault

Rating Teen Genre real time strategy Publisher Atlus

Cult comedian Neil Hamburger has a popular joke asking why God created Domino’s Pizza.  While the punch line may be a bit too controversial to post here, I can tell you that it is one that involves him punishing mankind for its complacency in regards to certain horrific historical events.  It’s a joke that kept coming to mind as I played through Atlus’ nightmare of a game, Zoids Assault.

Zoids Assault pits players in a futuristic historical land (I know it doesn’t make any sense on paper, but trust me, when you see the game is set in the 900s and features mechanical warriors doing battle, it will make THAT much more sense to you [/sarcasm]).  After watching nearly 20 minutes of very pretty looking cut scenes/still shots with poorly acted voiceovers, players are then thrust in to their first of many long and arduous battles.  This first bout was telling of how the rest of the game would play out.  The field was set for an epic six-on-six battle that played out quite slowly and repetitively. 

Players move within a restricted number of spaces one turn at a time and then sit and wait while the computer does the same thing.  These overhead scenes are poorly animated and feature the same repetitive musical score grating over and over again.  Finally, though, when players are within range, they fire shots at their opponent’s metallic cougar/jaguar vehicles.  Yes, you move about the land in a steel animal that looks similar to various animals.  The cut scenes for these battles are very fluid and well animated.  Sadly, this is really the only strength that Zoids Assault offers.

Once you’ve played through and subsequently failed the opening battle about a dozen times before somehow, by the grace of God, passing it, players quickly learn that the entire game is an endless series of slow and repetitive battles that only grow more and more frustrating over time.  The only way the gameplay really advances throughout the course of Zoids Assault is that the battles become increasingly more difficult.  This is impressive in the sense that the battles form the start are nearly impossible as is.  So, you can imagine how frustrating they get by the time you reach the third battle.  And the fourth.  And fifth.  Zoids Assault really offers little along the lines of fun.  It’s a game that just frustrates and is more a chore to play than a true treat.