The Phantom Menace in 3D: Top 10 Things LucasFilm Wants You to Believe

The Phantom Menace in 3D: Top 10 Things LucasFilm Wants You to Believe

With the release of Star Wars: Episode I, The Phantom Menace in 3-D, the marketing giants at Lucasfilm wants your butt in the theater. They’ve devised crafty methods of advertising to reinforce what used to love about Star Wars and ignore what you hate. Here’s ten things that they want you to believe:

10) PIT DROIDS ARE CLEVER!!!
The big craze from Star Wars online official is the Pit Droids game. All your friends will want to join in on the craze as you play on your iPhone and impress everybody. Because pit droids are quirky, and are a great idea for viral marketing. If it’s on an iPhone, it must be good, right?

9) LOOK!!! SHOTS OF THE ORIGINAL TRILOGY!!!
I don’t remember that shot of Vader bursting through the door of the Tantive IV in The Phantom Menace. Yet it stands in a commercial for Menace. It’ll be a good 3 years from now when the original trilogy is released. Then you can be reminded that Hayden Christensen is in Return of the Jedi.

8) EPIC SPACE BATTLE!!!
Look at all those shots of Naboo starfighters engaged in fierce combat! Spectacular, with that memorable image of battle droids running for their lives as the giant space donut explodes! I can’t wait to see the rest of the battle! Wait? That WAS the entire battle? The entire 30 seconds of a reason why this series is called “Star Wars”? Oh….

7) CGI YODA FIXES EVERYTHING!!!
In the original release, Yoda was handled as if somebody painted over a sock. Notice how Yoda has been updated to fit in with the prequel continuity? Now he looks so much better! It makes the performance so much more interesting, as he sits there and repeats that Anakin is dangerous. Again and again and again. But at least it’s not meth addict Sesame Street reject!

6) PODRACING IN GLORIOUS 3-D!!!
Admittedly, the podracing is a cool concept and is unique… for about the first lap. And then it’s repeated two times more in a lengthy, loud sequence of revving engines and explosions revolving around the exact same scenery. And now you can add the wow factor of those machines flying in front of your face.

5) EXCITEMENT AROUND EVERY CORNER!!!
It’s all about lightsabers, lasers, force powers, and a boy’s destiny to bring balance to the force. What hullaballo about trade routes, taxes, politicians that takes up an hour and a half? Senators discussing their problems is so much more gripping when they look like cardboard cutouts standing out from a flat plane. Perhaps the effect is to accurately reflect on the performances of the actors.

4) ANAKIN IS THE CHOSEN ONE!!!
His destiny is upon him, but Samuel L. Jackson forbids it. Such amazing developed drama! What does Anakin think? It must be a mystery left for theater viewing, off of Anakin’s lines are kept a secret in the commercials. I’m brimming with excitement to see what he has to say, it’ll be so wizard! Yippeeeeee!

3) DARTH MAUL!!!
At my local AMC, Darth Maul towers over the heroes in the gigantic cardboard stand. You can’t buy a packet of Duracell batteries without his fiery eyes ready to rip you to shreds. He’s one big bad dude with a double bladed lightsaber and can do flips and stuff! Wow! That five minutes of screen time before kicking the bucket, standing there making sparklers for Obi-Wan before being sliced like a meatball sub, definitely earned him that top promotional billing.

2) JAR JAR WHO?!!
Can somebody please find me his image in an advertisement? He’s in the film for about an hour, so where is his fame? Does this mean we don’t have to see him step in 3-D poop, or run at me yelling phrases that could’ve been derived from racially insensitive cartoon? Of course not, because that amphibious Joe Camel never existed in that galaxy far, far away. Seriously, though, if it was The Phantom Edit in 3-D, I might check that out.

1) IT’S A SIX YEAR ENGAGEMENT!!!
Wow! Six years in a row of Star Wars? Five more years of George Lucas to sit around and re-release his films while we all wait in excitement! The 3-D technology is so amazing, and that’s all the fans have ever asked for, and they will give a standing ovation (if Han actually shoots first).